how to love conscticiously!

How to Love Consciously

“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.” Gilbert Chesterton

Knowing how someone wants to be loved and then providing that love are two separate things. Sometimes marriages and other relationships end because either one person does not understand how to meet the needs of the other; or one partner refuses to meet the needs of the other.

To love consciously is a choice. Mary Beth and I often say being married is very similar to having another full-time job – you get out of it what you put into it.

Our marriage is like a savings account. My wife and I make deposits into it never expecting we may need to make a withdrawal. However, when we do request a withdrawal there are no associated penalties.

Yes, we argue over the temperature in the car or who really forgot to feed the dog, but when it really matters; when it really counts, we make the consciousness choice to give each other the love that is requested and needed.

With over 23 years of marriage under our belts, we have found the following strategies work best to love intentionally; to love authentically and to love consciously.
Show Appreciation

A simple “thank you” in response to a trivial or ordinary item can make a significant difference. It only takes a few short moments to utter these two words, but the impact can be felt for a very long time.

Showing gratitude is also the best strategy for ensuring the things you are most grateful for continue to happen. When we stop and tell our partners what we are grateful for, we are also telling the Universe. By making the effort, the conscious decision, to express our thanks we are in a better position of receiving more of it in the future.

If you want your partner to be grateful, it starts by you showing gratitude, first.
Be Happy, Not Right

Here’s a question for you, “Would you rather be right, or happy?” Too often our pride and egos can keep us from enjoying intimate relationships. We stew over what we think are injustices, but are perhaps only misunderstandings.

We carry grudges and do not show enough grace, passion or forgiveness to the person we care most about. Our need to be right can overshadow our need to receive, and give, love.

Take a look at what your pride is costing you. If intimacy is strained and the relationship is off track you may want to reconsider the value of your anger or self righteousness. Here’s the thing: You may be right in the argument although you partner thinks otherwise, but you will never be wrong when you put your partner first. Happiness always feels better than vindication.

No Day But Today

What would you say to your partner if you knew this was the last day you would be together? Would you complain about the television being too loud, or would you remind your partner of their value and significance?

Life does have an expiration date. This isn’t meant to be a downer – just a reality we all share. It’s what you do with this information that will make the difference. While it’s very difficult to sustain a high-level of connection and passion on a day-to-day basis, there are some simple things you can do to convey your partner’s importance to let them know they are important today:

* Kiss your mate at least twice a day
* Leave a quick note just to say “hi,” or “I love you”
* Never do anything you wouldn’t want your partner to know
* Be fully present when they need to talk or share something important
* Make the effort to spend some time together each day
* Give a compliment
* Make your partner feel important
* Smile

No Judgments

Judgments are often times rooted in perception, not reality. Judgments are also a piece of how you see the world, not the way the world, or in this case your partner, actually exists.

The harm with judgments is resentment and anger are typically the outcomes – not the change that is expected. When a judgment is made, there is an implied belief the behavior or trait being judged should be corrected. However, the person receiving the judgment does not always share the same expectation.

As a result, communication is impaired, connection is deteriorated and conflict ensues. To love deliberately and consciously requires loving your partner with a different filter – a cleaner filter that does not have the residue of past containments.
Be Aware of Your Own Thoughts & Feelings

Loving authentically is dependent on loving yourself, first. Before you share love, and share yourself with someone, it is important to beware of what you want. Reality suggests, however, we fall in love and begin relationships before we have a clear idea of our own true feelings.

When this happens, there is still plenty of time to discover your needs – this is called growth. Give yourself opportunities outside of the relationship. Build friendships and pursue interests on your own.

A good relationship exists when both people can live without the other, but choose to be together. A relationship built on a foundation of sharing different interests cultivates more life and depth into it.

You own your thoughts and feelings. These make you unique and keep you grounded with who you really are or growing to become. By doing so, you are in a much better position to love freely and honestly. Nature has a way of taking care of those things we put the most energy in and want to grow even stronger.
Loving Consciously

The power of love extends its reach when we will love intentionally. Real love, authentic love, springs to life and is sustained when we make the choice to feed it with our deliberate passion. Our souls are nourished when our partners realize we know how to love them.

There will be a day when I no longer share this life with my wife. When that day arrives, my hope is she will know my intent was to discover exactly what she wanted and my conscious choice was to give her more of that.

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Comments

76 Responses to “How to Love Consciously”

1. CG Walters on October 5th, 2008 3:28 pm

An excellent list of tips, Alex!!
Thank you. Loving consciously is very important.
Sucessfully loving another is sucessfully loving oneself!
Many more blessings to you and Mary Beth!
CG
2. greg on October 5th, 2008 9:54 pm

sounds like you have to talk yourself into believing that you love this person. as soon as you make rules about what love is or what love in action is, it is no longer love. it is simply a ritual designed to avoid the pain of life itself. wake up and be free.
3. Alex Blackwell on October 5th, 2008 10:00 pm

Thanks for sharing your point-of-view Greg. I don’t believe there are rules in my relationship, but rather choices we get to make along the way.
4. greg on October 5th, 2008 10:26 pm

Ok. as long as your choices are just that “your choices” - not social expectations. for me, love is like the weather - it has to change to be - to much of anything - sun rain wind calm would just not cut it. if you can hate someone as much as you love them you most probably have it all, otherwise i would question the reason for my choices.
5. Becky on October 6th, 2008 3:49 am

Alex,
I enjoyed your ideas on loving consciously in marriage and relationships. Love and respect for someone takes an honest, unselfish choice to nurture and bond which leads to communication, happiness and relational adequacy which surely improves a relationship. For my husband and I, some of your ideas are familiar. The others we could put into practice and improve the overall picture of our love for each other. Thanks for sharing.
Becky
6. Davey on October 6th, 2008 4:03 am

sometimes though u just got a rotten apple and there is nothing u can do but try

http://www.santaletterz.com/
7. axel g on October 6th, 2008 7:45 am

“Give a compliment”

I find that being honest and sharing your positive thoughts with your partner, is a great source of happiness for both of you…

Great post!
8. Kellen on October 6th, 2008 1:42 pm

Beautiful sentiments, eloquently expressed. I’m especially fond of “Be Happy, Not Right”. So many times when working with couples I have to ask them, “Do you want to be married, or be right”? The section on judgments is also very important. So many times someone in a relationship acts on assumptions they make about the other person’s reasons or motivations that are completely wrong. Good communication is so important.

Thanks for a great article.
9. Peter James on October 6th, 2008 3:19 pm

Not sure what GREG was talking about, but I love this post. I think it is an elegant way of looking at the whole thing called love.

All of this is very true. My wife and I try to practice many of these principles, except we like to scream and yell as they run their course.

Now that’s true love :)
10. Nathalie Lussier from Billionaire Woman on October 6th, 2008 4:41 pm

I love the idea that we should be happy, and not right. In my family there were often times where my parents were arguing to be “right”. That obviously didn’t lead anywhere.

Thanks for this insightful post. Loving consciously is important for all of us.
11. Jeff@MySuperChargedLife on October 6th, 2008 5:02 pm

Alex - Congrats on 23 years of successful marriage! I agree that marriage feels like another full-time job. It certainly takes work to have a successful relationship for the long-haul. You obviously know what it takes. Thanks for sharing so many great ideas!

Stumbled!
12. Homemaker Barbi (Danelle Ice) on October 6th, 2008 7:17 pm

It is so true that simple thank yous go very far toward building continuous love and intimacy. It often seems people use better manners with complete strangers than with their own families! Striving to show how grateful we are for our family every day is a simple goal we all can achieve!

Homemaker Barbi (Danelle Ice)
13. Lorraine Cohen on October 6th, 2008 10:31 pm

Beautiful post Alex

You are the perfect author because you live what you write. As a single woman, I can appreciate that marriage is a full-time job and one that is an ongoing evolution for your both. It sure make difference when both peope are invested in the journey as you and Mary Beth are.

I loved your short list of ways to show up every day that says “I love you.”

Thanks Alex

Blessings,
Lorraine
14. Marshall - bondChristian on October 8th, 2008 2:38 am

I like the way you threaded the idea of loving as the way to live consciously through the post. Great inspiration.

Interestingly enough, I’ve been here before but rediscovered you just now through Stumble Upon.
15. Johnny on October 9th, 2008 7:48 pm

Imagine a leaf
falling down onto your belly
as you lay naked on the sundeck
of a boat two thousand miles from shore.

It’s a perfect leaf
quite dry and green
and of course it scares you so
because of its impossibility
and your need to account for it.
What if you never do?

You keep it, the leaf
to show to others on the boat
but even though they understand
they find your wonder greater than theirs.
This reduction in feeling progresses.

Back on land you repeat your story
but even those who love you most
those you trust
do no more than ask a few logical questions
before moving on to other subjects.
Perhaps with a shake of the head
but more likely incomprehension.

Eventually
(because you have no way of classifying this event
or even understanding it)
the notion of what happened to you recedes
powerful still, but into a darker place
as though a room without light.
You cannot make sense of your leaf
and so you ignore it.

(Unless, of course, as though in equal and opposite reaction, it won’t allow itself to be ignored and instead demands your constant attention and, in doing so, diminishes all else. Then what you have is an obsession, which if viewed correctly can be the greatest of blessings and, of itself, a reason to live. As she has been since I met her.)
16. Links For Super-Charged Living - October 11, 2008 | My Super-Charged Life on October 11th, 2008 1:01 pm

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17. sachin on October 30th, 2008 9:44 am

this is best activity
18. angela on October 31st, 2008 6:15 am

I am for you
19. Money Bush on October 31st, 2008 11:15 pm

Thank you for the wonderful wish. I wish my blog posts were this deep…
20. Melshalo on November 2nd, 2008 8:08 am

A very nice way to define love
21. Mahesh on November 2nd, 2008 11:16 am

Very nice article. Its very important to love a person consciously.

And give opportunities to yourself, your feelings, your work, your happiness.

Never ignore yourself, when your loving a person.

If you are happy, only then you can keep others happy.
22. Job Maldives on November 2nd, 2008 12:08 pm

Nice Article. Well done. Keep it up
23. Nawaf on November 2nd, 2008 6:05 pm

i loved it. im single now but i do promise you that i will love Consciously and never forget a single word from this one. nice article and a great job
thanx for it
24. byard charles on November 3rd, 2008 1:53 pm

while reading your article i was amazed to see so much of what i have found to be true in a marriage of thirty years.. so many things i have told my wife how much i love her , how much i appriciate her. how much i want to listen to her thoughts and ideas and try to understand and try to give that which i want and be what i ask of her . i tell here all the often. but..the problem is she can’t hear me … she died ten years ago… there is a song titled “live like you were dieing.” and we are… thanks Bcingu
25. Colton on November 4th, 2008 6:25 pm

I love this!
26. Eric Anthony on November 6th, 2008 1:04 pm

You really know what you are talking about thanks for sharing.
27. Palesa on November 6th, 2008 1:57 pm

This is very thoughtful. I have being struggling in my relationship so much that we go parallel ways. But thanks be to God for bringing people like you on earth.

I love your articles, please send me more. This is so brilliant so much that I wish each and every couple can go through article so that couples can understand each other better and learn to compromise in other situations

Keep it up

I’m in Lesotho
28. Answer My Health Question on November 6th, 2008 7:39 pm

Fantastic article. Be ready for much appreciation by bloggers!!
29. larry on November 7th, 2008 4:58 pm

Great insight–but I think Greg must have a large problem.
30. Greg on November 8th, 2008 2:45 am

No problem - just not into pseudo claptrap. So I must write a love note when I know it’s not the way I feel at that moment?? This is the height of deceit.

Sometimes I want to write a note and say wash the dishes and clean the house - now if she does it … now that’s true love.

Wake up - be free
31. Bob Gordon on November 11th, 2008 12:49 pm

Well thought out and accurate piece of work.

Let’s hope that some of our more ridgid responders learn to cut loose that anchor that will not let them ever be free. The relationship with yourself is the key to all things you face in life. Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you react to it.
thanks, Bob
32. Karo on November 11th, 2008 5:36 pm

As for Greg– how about write her a love note WHEN you happen to feel like so. You get what you give. I doubt I’d be as delighted to find a note barking at me to do the dishes as I would be to find a note saying that I’m an important person. I’d probably do the dishes anyway, just on a better mood.

While some of this sounded like directly out off some psychological manual that, in theory, works brilliantly but cannot be executed in real life, many parts in this stand very true.

Sometimes people just give more than they receive. Perhaps it’s all about learning to give and not expect to get anything in return, not even a simple thank you or a that was nice of you to do.

Love. Such a complicated thing.
33. Neil Cowley on November 12th, 2008 3:11 am

Thanks - just what I needed to keep my perspective today!
34. rizzy on November 12th, 2008 6:53 am

Great article.
35. maryiam on November 13th, 2008 3:20 pm

GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
36. Rick on November 13th, 2008 7:46 pm

Thanks for the great article. Love consciously and live intentionally. My intent is to find all that is beautiful and true about my wife. So it is more important to know how she engages her world and mine than to be sure she sees my point of view as the “right” point of view. I see life as a journey of discovery, and I think it is always better shared. What we work on is the right tools and skills of engagement with each other and the world around us.
37. Greg on November 14th, 2008 1:23 am

If I were to design a very rudimentary robot type humanoid this is how I would instruct it to “love”.
This article is so bound up in ego the writer it would seem has no clue and no access to his emotions (unconscious mind). The conscious mind is controlled by the unconscious mind. When you “wake up” there in no barrier and no separation to what is conscious or unconscious - there is just you. So go ahead and write your stupid love notes and say thank you and make up a load of clap trap to control your wife/husband but know that this stupid game only serves those control freaks that are so scared to find out who they really are they have to control everyone else in case their world caves in.
WAKE UP BE FREE!!
38. Camilla on November 16th, 2008 1:35 am

Thanks for some wonderful insight into how one can keep their love/relationship vibrant, growing and fresh. I, too, am currently single but I also think that these tenets apply to any love relationship — with siblings, friends, parents, etc.

As for Greg — I hope you find some peace in this place you define as “who you really are”. Based upon your posts, I don’t think I personally would want to know who you “really” are if you can’t find a peaceful place in your heart to simply tell the person you claim to love that you love her. Very frightening, indeed!
39. loverboyNYC on November 16th, 2008 8:29 am

Greg I see your point but at the same time if you don’t try you’ll leave them dry..and women definitely don’t want that Greg lol..I do suggest to always or at least most of the time look at the glass as half full..when my gf wakes up in the morning she might not look at her best as when she fixes up her hair and dresses up but I look at her beautiful eyes and its ALL GOOOOOD
40. kato on November 18th, 2008 11:44 am

you will never find true happiness until you have truly loved and you will never know how painful it is until you have failed to love.
41. Courtney Schumacher on November 19th, 2008 2:43 pm

As I read your page on loving and others’ comments I really pity America’s egotistical refusal to include all people in their sayings of ‘you SHOULD’. There are few comments that include homosexuality, fewer still for bisexuality, and I have NEVER seen a comment including the feelings of an asexualist, except on our own web page.
To help you understand: an asexual person generally has NO desire for sexual relations with anybody, though many do produce children, usually as a favor to their mate (we do marry, often as a favor or a show of gratitude). Asexuality is inborn, as is homosexuality or heterosexuality. We are as sure of our sexuality as you are of yours.
42. Courtney Schumacher on November 19th, 2008 2:45 pm

We love as deeply as you do. Love and sex are not the same thing.
43. shiv sharan on November 20th, 2008 5:47 am

its very nice
44. Katrina on November 22nd, 2008 5:39 pm

Love is a choice and it you have to make an effort to keep love a live and have open communication.
Love never comes easy because you are always learning about your partner changing and growing with them.
45. Romeo on November 22nd, 2008 6:55 pm

Great article about romance! We can use these helpful tips to strengthen our relationships.
46. solomon on November 22nd, 2008 10:42 pm

Most thought provoking analysis of human Nature.Lovely.Keep it up. let us all wake up to true Love.
47. solomon on November 22nd, 2008 10:44 pm

Lovely and frank. I like it . I am changing. Are You too ?
48. terensio on November 23rd, 2008 2:44 pm

l want to what love is in all its values
49. SteeL on November 24th, 2008 6:46 am

this was really a good article, yes in our daily life we sometimes forget to give importance to lil things, but such lil things matters most in future up-liftments of our relationship
50. DWigman_98 on November 24th, 2008 3:01 pm

Thanks for a RARELY found, genuinely good article. Been married for 20 years, still learned ALOT from this! Live to give, always with your heart and a hand, and Love will fit like a glove.
51. umesh on November 25th, 2008 2:42 am

I dont think it is so easy
umesh
52. John McLaughlin, Stock Day Traders - Consultant / Coach on November 25th, 2008 2:49 am

Hi Gilbert,

Another view: what you are describing and sharing is all about successful relationships.

Love is not a thing, not a verb, not something we do. Love is an experience - like nature, compassion, grief, joy, and feeling happy - it comes and goes.

Love is infinate, like the air - not to be bartered or negotiated, just enjoyed in a mood of wonder.
53. kumar on November 26th, 2008 11:39 am

good
54. gopi on November 26th, 2008 5:20 pm

It’s hard to find someone whom you truly love, much less to find someone who loves you as much. When the chance comes, don’t ever let go.So love conciously

http://www.iwebforums.org
55. alex white on November 28th, 2008 11:46 am

Don’t forget to love that dog
56. amara on November 29th, 2008 11:11 am

love is not easy to come by. when u find it, don’t let it go please.
57. aaa on November 29th, 2008 7:47 pm

dont talk about it. do it.
58. Roshni on November 30th, 2008 3:01 pm

Dear Alex

i simply love the post and not only tht i usually end up taking tips from your website… i had first learnt from one of your post that”one should choose between being right and happy”. That time i chose to be right and got my life partner now after i have him i have decided to be happy rather being right
59. dinh thai huan on December 1st, 2008 2:55 am

hi
when i read this love history i felt bad
60. Esther on December 1st, 2008 5:00 pm

This is a really good piece i would like more of it. thanks
61. tony on December 1st, 2008 7:52 pm

ohhh. we have been married 23 years too!
Many congrats, it gets better every year, no ? That’s if you are completely honest, real and vulnerable with each other. We have been thro’ rocky patch this last year, but God is faithful and is helping us thro’.
62. topcat1933 on December 2nd, 2008 2:28 pm

A gentle stroke on the cheek (or elsewhere-non sexual) tells your partner you are glad he/she is still close! It has worked for us for 52 years! It STILL WORKS!
63. Judith on December 3rd, 2008 12:19 am

I like this article. There’s a song with a title “Love Makes the World Go Round.” Give and take is one of the principles. It’s true, judgement has no place when people are in love. It’s a wonderful thing to be grateful for one another and have a habit of saying …”I love you…” always. Commitment is not easy but once love prevails, each one serve as an energy and “light” to strenghten and brighten his/her life every moment of the day. Thanks for sharing this to people.
64. obinna on December 3rd, 2008 8:47 am

I am happy to have stumbbled on this article at a time like this in my life it will go a long way at helping me biuld my relatioship and earn the kind of happiness that have eluded me thank you.
65. Jehzeel Laurente on December 4th, 2008 10:54 am

OOOOOOOOooooohh.. now i know :) Thanks for this great article. I’ll add this to my favorites :)
66. Hemlata on December 4th, 2008 11:18 am

Excellent post Alex. Really, you have given us a GREAT article. People should read it to keep their relationship alive.

Thanks for Sharing these information with us.
67. ALISHA on December 5th, 2008 7:39 am

WAT’S LOVE???? THOSE WHO DNT KNOW, CALL IT RESPONSIBILITY,THOSE WHO PLAY CALL IT A GAME,THOSE WHO DNT HAVE IT CALL IT A DREAM N THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND CALL IT LIFE!!!!THE VIRTUE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT FINDING THE PERFECT PERSON BUT LOVING THE IMPERFECT PERSON PERFECTLY……LOVE DOES NOT HAVE A HAPPY ENDING BCOZZZ IT SIMLY DOESN’T ENDS……..LOVE IS VRY BEAUTIFUL THING,FEEL IT.ALEX U SAID THE BEST N THE RIGHT THING…..!!!!!! ALISHA
68. rap on December 5th, 2008 3:02 pm

nice
69. kanishka on December 6th, 2008 2:18 pm

its better to b happy than b rite i love ur words if every one respects love than the earth becomes heaven
70. ISLANDDAN on December 6th, 2008 7:37 pm

EXCELLENT RELATIONSHIP TOOLS, THROUGH THE “REAL” UPS & DOWNS WE ALL EXPERIENCE DAILY.
71. Hanna Kroeger Healer on December 6th, 2008 10:59 pm

I enjoyed this article very much. It definitely gives a new perspective on the love in marriages.

As a Healer and Natural Health Practitioner, I wrote a recent article on the physical issues that can affect marriages or relationships.
These are the physical issues which can cause people’s perceptions (mental thoughts really) to to be directed to their partner.

I agree and love having gratitude for the gifts of one’s partner.

http://www.kroegerhealer.com/natural-healing-for-relationships-marriages.htm
72. Tonya on December 7th, 2008 8:17 am

If love is gone all these scheduled complements, ” thank you” notes, touching each other twice a day- won’r work. And if you love each other you don’t need all this BS. Unless you are a complete idiot and don’t know how to communicate with a person you love.
73. greg on December 8th, 2008 1:55 am

Tonya - Finally someone that can think for themselves. I couldn’t agree with you more! Love consciously what a joke. It’s like asking a centipede to walk consciously - the animal will not be able to move. Imagine - ok leg 1 forward - then leg two back - then leg three forward etc. This thing will tie itself in knots before it gets to ten let alone 100! Love is love and this stupid idea of writing little notes and saying things on a schedule has to be the biggest load of C*R* AP ever though up. Seriously if you have to write notes etc. to control “love” the other person, please jump of the nearest very high bridge and remove yourself from the gene pool before you pollute it any further. This author can only be described as a deluded control freak garnished with a liberal sprinkling of deceit. That however is not the problem - the fact that most people that have read this and think it’s just wonderful shows just how dumb the majority are and how easy it is plant idiotic ideas in ordinary people. Wake up - Be free!
74. Zach on December 9th, 2008 3:29 am

Thanks for this very informative article! Being intimate with a significant other is not something most people learn growing up - it’s great to read articles like this to help us all!
75. Andrea Tannouri on December 9th, 2008 5:46 am

This was a timely reminder for me not to take my marriage or partner for granted. Thank you!
76. FrancoisTheo on December 9th, 2008 10:10 pm

This is especially great for people who have busy schedules and need a reminder of how lucky they are to have each other.

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